Last day of the year...

Its the last day of the year - or almost. 

Has anything changed with me? No, but I believe I have maintained my weight from January to December...  counting the ups and downs over the months I am right where I started.

Is this year going to be any different? I certainly hope so! But I said that last year...

Who is it up to? Me... always me...

Who's fault is it that I am not losing weight and keeping it off?  Me...

Do I get support? Not at home... but I do from friends.

I have a hubby that just doesn't understand why it  is so hard for me to lose weight and keep it off. He doesn't understand temptations... I don't understand temptations!  He doesn't understand when I am feeling really fat and cry - I go for chocolate, chips or the like - he then voices his opinion - not one I am looking for and it makes me feel even worse.

 I don't want to make him look bad cause I love him dearly but he just doesn't have any empathy in this matter.
I have a husband that weight loss comes very easy.  Oh, he gains and gets a little chunky lookin'.  But then he sets his mind to "taking off a few pounds" and its gone - off - caputz - and stays off.  How does he do it?  He cuts out desserts and decreases his serving sizes.  In his words "he doesn't eat so damn much".
The fat jokes.. I am so tired of the fat jokes!  He says they are not geared towards me - he tells me I am beautiful -  but I take the jokes very personally.  How can I believe that he thinks I am beautiful when I don't believe it myself?

I was with my Mom one day (a few weeks ago)and we were with a very large group of people... she pointed out a woman in the group and said "Marianne she reminds me so much of you! You look so much like her!"  I looked around to see who she was talking about and nearly gasped... that woman looked far from what I wanted to look like.  Not to slam the poor unbeknownst lady but her looks were not what I imagined myself to be.   I did say "Really? thanks" but a tad sarcastically - I don't think my mom caught the tone.  Truthfully, I looked at the lady for some time (glancing so as not to stare) and I could see where my Mom was coming from but my brain was screaming "NOOOOO". 

My FIL said today that if he had to stay in the house all the time he would gain 50lbs in a big hurry - food is just too accessible and he would munch all day...  He also said when he is outside working he isn't around food and if he gets a bit hungry or thirsty he grabs water from the barn - or a veggie out of the garden (in summer).  Instead of a cookie or candy that is laying around.  Now HE understands!   When my hubby heard this he just shrugged - no comment.

I have glamor photo's of myself when I was 20 something and I had a one year old baby.  I was pretty, beautiful and just the right weight.  I know I won't look that "young" again and its not age that is distressing me - its the matronly look I have issues with (on me).   I see beauty in everyone else no matter their weight - I see their accomplishments, caring, giving personalities.  But for me I only see my weight, my grumpiness, laziness, disappointment, negativity. 
At my last WW meeting they asked "What is your New Years Resolution"  I piped up with "Being more positive" 
Well, I am not off to a very good start - thank goodness there is still one more day left to this year where I can try and change my thinking for the New Year.

Whoa I kind of got carried away here with some deep feelings.  Sorry about the rant but I have been carrying this around for quite some time.

On the Road again

I guess I could put this title up nearly every day of the week.
After having a great weight loss one week I have slowly creaped up and destroyed my hard work.
So, I am on the band wagon again - have brought home my meetings tracker and plan to get organized and DO THIS!

I don't want my new book from WW to be showing my weight going up and up I want it to be filled with happy #'s of going down.

I want to eliminate the "what the heck", "oh well's", "whatever"... and get down to business!

I don't believe in New Year Resolutions... I believe in the now, today, this second.  So here I go..

Confession

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Okay, I will tell. *sigh*
I had a horrible week.  Nobodies fault but mine.
I don't know why I do this.. one good week then one bad, one good, one bad...
I sabotage myself.
My day today didn't start out well.  I slept in... yes, slept in.  I only sleep in on purpose but last night I didn't sleep well which usually doesn't stop me from getting up but I turned off my alarm and flicked on my radio... which is my normal routine.  I listened to the traffic report and the weather (at 6:30am).  The next thing I knew I heard my dh start his truck and head for the barn.  I looked up and it was 8:30am!  That means my son had got up and left for school and dh had come in from milking and had his breakfast and morning 30 minute nap and left to the barn to feed the cows.  Oh boy... had to be at WI for 9am.   I flew out of bed, got dressed, fed the cats, grabbed my keys, leaped into the car and started to drive down the driveway - I rounded the corner by the house to head for the road and WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA
I slammed on the breaks!
There standing a few yards in front of me were my sheep and alpaca's!  What were THEY doing out?!
I slammed my car into reverse, got it turned around and headed to the barn in search of Karl (dh).   On the way I met up with the AI technician who had just bred one of our cows.  I told him the situation and to NOT go out the driveway until  I get Karl.  He nodded "yes" but he left anyway!  I searched for Karl in every place I could think of... by the time I found him I was panicked.  I had to get to WI!   The last time my sheep & alpaca's got out it took an hour and a half to get them back in!
He came running from an area in the barn "What's wrong?"  I burst into tears and spilled the story.   He jumped in the car with me (after a hug) and we headed to the house to get a grain bucket and the quad.
The sheep had come back up to the yard by the house but had no intention of going back thru the gate to the shed.
After yelling at the dogs to sit and stop chasing them out of the area we wanted them... I ran and opened the gate in the field that leads to their pasture - I dumped grain on the ground just inside the gate and stood back and waited... Karl was behind them sending them up the fence line.  They could either bolt back out into the field or cut in to the wide open gate.   They came closer & closer - I watched carefully and stood out into the field a little more - if I gave too much space they would not see the opening in the fence but would see the opening between me and the fence and bolt past me.  So I teetered with my arms wide shaking the grain bucket.  Zack, my alpaca was first up and he took a look at me and swayed towards the field - I leaned his way and suddenly the sheep made a mad dash!  Thru the gate!  wooo hoo!  Once one goes in they all follow - gotta love the herd instinct.
I closed off the gate by the area that had the broken fence so they couldn't get out again - will fix that tomorrow.
I looked at my watch - it felt like an eternity but it only took 20 minutes! I still had time to get to WI.
Off I went... only to step on the scale and find I had gained 2.2 pounds.  I could have cried... no, I did cry. 
Glad I had my reflexology appt right after.  That so helped me... don't know why I am so emotional right now.
Gotta get my tracker on track and get rid of the damage I caused.