Its the last day of the year - or almost.
Has anything changed with me? No, but I believe I have maintained my weight from January to December... counting the ups and downs over the months I am right where I started.
Is this year going to be any different? I certainly hope so! But I said that last year...
Who is it up to? Me... always me...
Who's fault is it that I am not losing weight and keeping it off? Me...
Do I get support? Not at home... but I do from friends.
I have a hubby that just doesn't understand why it is so hard for me to lose weight and keep it off. He doesn't understand temptations... I don't understand temptations! He doesn't understand when I am feeling really fat and cry - I go for chocolate, chips or the like - he then voices his opinion - not one I am looking for and it makes me feel even worse.
I don't want to make him look bad cause I love him dearly but he just doesn't have any empathy in this matter.
I have a husband that weight loss comes very easy. Oh, he gains and gets a little chunky lookin'. But then he sets his mind to "taking off a few pounds" and its gone - off - caputz - and stays off. How does he do it? He cuts out desserts and decreases his serving sizes. In his words "he doesn't eat so damn much".
The fat jokes.. I am so tired of the fat jokes! He says they are not geared towards me - he tells me I am beautiful - but I take the jokes very personally. How can I believe that he thinks I am beautiful when I don't believe it myself?
I was with my Mom one day (a few weeks ago)and we were with a very large group of people... she pointed out a woman in the group and said "Marianne she reminds me so much of you! You look so much like her!" I looked around to see who she was talking about and nearly gasped... that woman looked far from what I wanted to look like. Not to slam the poor unbeknownst lady but her looks were not what I imagined myself to be. I did say "Really? thanks" but a tad sarcastically - I don't think my mom caught the tone. Truthfully, I looked at the lady for some time (glancing so as not to stare) and I could see where my Mom was coming from but my brain was screaming "NOOOOO".
My FIL said today that if he had to stay in the house all the time he would gain 50lbs in a big hurry - food is just too accessible and he would munch all day... He also said when he is outside working he isn't around food and if he gets a bit hungry or thirsty he grabs water from the barn - or a veggie out of the garden (in summer). Instead of a cookie or candy that is laying around. Now HE understands! When my hubby heard this he just shrugged - no comment.
I have glamor photo's of myself when I was 20 something and I had a one year old baby. I was pretty, beautiful and just the right weight. I know I won't look that "young" again and its not age that is distressing me - its the matronly look I have issues with (on me). I see beauty in everyone else no matter their weight - I see their accomplishments, caring, giving personalities. But for me I only see my weight, my grumpiness, laziness, disappointment, negativity.
At my last WW meeting they asked "What is your New Years Resolution" I piped up with "Being more positive"
Well, I am not off to a very good start - thank goodness there is still one more day left to this year where I can try and change my thinking for the New Year.
Whoa I kind of got carried away here with some deep feelings. Sorry about the rant but I have been carrying this around for quite some time.
3 comments:
well said Marianne. Here's to a NEW year :)
Ranting and raving is allowed and can be very theraputic ...I bet you feel better already
Hi Marianne!
I came across your blog quite a while ago, but have never commented before.
Today made me feel really sad.
For you and me actually. My DH is sort of supportive, he encourages me and wants me to do well, but when he is home (works away 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off) he likes to eat junk for lunch, brings in all sorts of 'goodies'. I try to avoid it, but then get mad. He needs to lose too, but I can't make him, can only control myself. It's hard when you aren't on the same page. Sometimes I just want to scream!
I see myself in the first few lines of your post. Who's fault, who is it up to. I also want this year to be different. I am sick and tired of playing the game and getting nowhere. I have to quit playing. I've been really getting down on myself lately and that hasn't helped.
I have a fantastic leader at WW. He is very supportive and honestly the only reason I keep going every week. I have someone that I go with each week. She is a serial WW, been going for over 20 years. She can be very negative about change(hates the new program!) and tends to laugh at her own failures, isn't happy when she only loses 2 lbs, and that doens't feel supportive to me.
My sister has done great with it. She is now a total exercise addict! She wants to do marathons this year. She knows how hard it is and never hassles me when I struggle, cheers me when I succeed.
I guess what I really want to say is you are not alone! If you want someone to tag along with you this year, I would be more than happy to.
I hope you don't mind my coming by.
Ingrid
Oh Marianne, as I read your post it could be me writing it! (except for the glamour photos... lol I wish I HAD done that☺) This year you and I will work together to get not only a few pounds lighter and a few inches smaller but we will LOVE the way we look no matter what and we will ROCK it all the way!!
I soooo wish we lived closer so we could do it in a different way -- but girlfriend we will work with what we got -- the Internet!
NEVER apologize for your postings...it is YOUR blog (someone wise told me that when i was apologizing for my rants on my blog once...☺ and I always remember it!)
(((HUGS))) to you for 2011 and remember ---
WE ARE GONNA ROCK 2011!!♥
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