I am really at a crash and burn. Last week I gained 3 lbs. I was doing so well and the coin flipped and completely destroyed everything I had done and more.
WI is coming up again on Wednesday. I really don't want to go - I have been fighting and fighting and fighting to get this weight off and I seem to only gain.
I wanted to have 20 lbs off before dh and I took a trip to Europe to a wedding ( it was totally doable under normal circumstances) - its going to be formal wear. I am going to look like a big fat cow in a bunch of ruffles.
I hate the way I look - I really do - I don't feel beautiful anymore - I definitely don't feel sexy. Faaaaaaaaaaaaar from it.
I shouldn't have to absorb myself in a stringent way of eating and not get another thing done... it seems if I am not thinking about absolutely everything I eat, I gain. a handful of chocolates in 7 days should not destroy the number on the scale!
I am at a severely low moment and its not going to get better cause there is no way I can lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks. I can't even lose 5 lbs in 2 weeks.
I'm tired of this, I really am.
I need to shop for a formal dress - I don't want to do it. I would rather miss the wedding.
My hair is gross too. I hate my short hair. I want my long healthy hair back... but that is just a dream - I haven't had long healthy looking hair for 4 or more years. my hair just won't grow. Heck it took 35 years to get as long as it did.
My husband was right. Don't throw the fat clothes away - I need them now.
I have a very beautiful formal gown but I am too fat to get into it.
Signed,
Smothered in tears
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wacky Weekend
Can you say WHAT?
I had one heck of a wacky weekend and my journalling went all to h#ll and gone yonder...
Now its time for damage control!
But FIRST
Get that pizza out of my house!
and the valentines chocolate! Yikes!
Oh and WHY did I have that ice cream cake at my mothers birthday (cause I bought it? *head hang low* *sheepish grin*)
and I let myself get too hungry yesterday before we went to the party and it started late so I was STARVING... the first bowl of munchies that came out.. well I MUNCHED.
Back at it.. I have time to save myself LOL
I had one heck of a wacky weekend and my journalling went all to h#ll and gone yonder...
Now its time for damage control!
But FIRST
Get that pizza out of my house!
and the valentines chocolate! Yikes!
Oh and WHY did I have that ice cream cake at my mothers birthday (cause I bought it? *head hang low* *sheepish grin*)
and I let myself get too hungry yesterday before we went to the party and it started late so I was STARVING... the first bowl of munchies that came out.. well I MUNCHED.
Back at it.. I have time to save myself LOL
Friday, February 11, 2011
Giggles
I seem to be on a roll - so glad my head has gotten into the right place! Of course it really helps when the scale is going in the right direction :)
I stepped on it again this morning and woohoo!
I got over my good one week, bad the next...
I have been tracking faithfully - even the handfuls of chocolate chipits and licks and nibbles.
and WATER - I have been drinking like a fish!
hmm do fish drink water?
**********************************************************************************************
The answer to this question differs, depending on whether you're talking about saltwater fish or freshwater fish.
Freshwater fish do not actively drink water, but absorb the water through their skin and gills. On the other hand, saltwater fish do actively drink sea water. Their gills process the water and take out the salt.
The salmon is an interesting example of a fish that lives in both fresh and salt water, and consequently, they have the characteristics of both types of fish. Salmon are born in fresh water, and migrate to the ocean. While living in the ocean, they drink saltwater by opening their mouth; their gills then rid their bodies of the salt and minerals. When the salmon enters freshwater streams to spawn, they stop drinking the water and instead absorb it through osmosis (osmosis means that the water passes through the cells of the fish's skin into its body).
****************************************************************************
I don't know about you but I was really curious on that question.
Speaking of fish... did you notice the ones on my blog at the top of the page that follow your mouse? I have them well trained :D
Okay, now that I have this out of my system ... its time to get back to work! hehe
I stepped on it again this morning and woohoo!
I got over my good one week, bad the next...
I have been tracking faithfully - even the handfuls of chocolate chipits and licks and nibbles.
and WATER - I have been drinking like a fish!
hmm do fish drink water?
**********************************************************************************************
The answer to this question differs, depending on whether you're talking about saltwater fish or freshwater fish.
Freshwater fish do not actively drink water, but absorb the water through their skin and gills. On the other hand, saltwater fish do actively drink sea water. Their gills process the water and take out the salt.
The salmon is an interesting example of a fish that lives in both fresh and salt water, and consequently, they have the characteristics of both types of fish. Salmon are born in fresh water, and migrate to the ocean. While living in the ocean, they drink saltwater by opening their mouth; their gills then rid their bodies of the salt and minerals. When the salmon enters freshwater streams to spawn, they stop drinking the water and instead absorb it through osmosis (osmosis means that the water passes through the cells of the fish's skin into its body).
****************************************************************************
I don't know about you but I was really curious on that question.
Speaking of fish... did you notice the ones on my blog at the top of the page that follow your mouse? I have them well trained :D
Okay, now that I have this out of my system ... its time to get back to work! hehe
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Good Day
The sun is shining through my office window and I am soaking up the vitamin D. Aaaaaahhhhh!
This cold/sore throat has yet to subside but I am happy to report I went to my WI this morning. I don't want to infect anyone else with this nasty beast but I HAVE to go to WI.
I was very happy with my results! I lost 1.8lbs... not bad considering I have been taking lozenges and other aids to rid my sore throat that who knows how much sugar is in them.
I am off to Coquitlam to a dr's appt... follow up from my thyroid biopsy. It will take about 4 hours for the round trip. 1 hour to get there, hopefully no more than a 2 hour wait and about an hour to get back depending on traffic. That is the wonderful thing about specialists... you run on thier time :)
Cherrio!
This cold/sore throat has yet to subside but I am happy to report I went to my WI this morning. I don't want to infect anyone else with this nasty beast but I HAVE to go to WI.
I was very happy with my results! I lost 1.8lbs... not bad considering I have been taking lozenges and other aids to rid my sore throat that who knows how much sugar is in them.
I am off to Coquitlam to a dr's appt... follow up from my thyroid biopsy. It will take about 4 hours for the round trip. 1 hour to get there, hopefully no more than a 2 hour wait and about an hour to get back depending on traffic. That is the wonderful thing about specialists... you run on thier time :)
Cherrio!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Heal Thy Self
I have had a cold now for 5 weeks. The symptoms have changed from a back ache, sore throat to a head cold, tired ...then appeared to be going away. Suddenly 3 days ago I have an even worse sore throat (the razor blade kind) with difficulty swallowing and maybe a little tiredness but nothing much more... oh yeah and my mucus in my nose has turned from clear to a more light grassy color green.
I thought - oh man, I hope I am not coming down with strep now that I have had this darn thing so long.
So against my better judgement I decide to go to the Dr's.. not my actually Dr's office but a drop in clinic where I figured I would at least get in on the same day. You may notice Dr's are a little low on my trust & faith scale.
hmmm, so I head down to the clinic today for 9am.
@ 10:15am I am finally asked to come into a room to wait for a Dr.
@ 10:53am I hear someone say "I guess Marianne left?" another nurse says "no, she's here" Original nurse says "but she's not in the waiting room" the other nurse states "no I already put her in room 4" ----- now to give them the benefit of the doubt there are other Marianne's in this world so I got up and looked at my door number "Room 4" okay forget the doubt, they are very unorganized.
@ 10:55am the Dr arrives
to start: the nurse had explained to him incorrectly what my symptoms were
After making this correction he tells me "you and everyone else. It is viral and you keep getting reinfected; nothing I can do for you" He did however take a swab of my throat (where it didn't hurt) Just in case it was bacterial.... Then he told me I should expect it to last 5 - 10 weeks.
I asked him if I was getting reinfected why wasn't everyone in my house getting infected? Karl had it 4 days after me and it lasted him not even 2 weeks. He had no answer.
so @ 10:57 I walked out the door.
I had waited 2 hours for a 2 minute appointment only to be told nothing could be done - just keep doing what I am doing.
What I am doing is using Strepsils or Cepacol lozenges that has an antibacterial in it and a numbing agent so I can swallow. BUT WAIT he said it was VIRAL... those won't work cause they are tackling the BACTERIA!!!!
I should have never gone to the Doctors... huge waste of my time.... when will I ever learn?
$28 for 2 minutes = $840/hour - not bad for wages eh? and he didn't have to do anything.
I thought - oh man, I hope I am not coming down with strep now that I have had this darn thing so long.
So against my better judgement I decide to go to the Dr's.. not my actually Dr's office but a drop in clinic where I figured I would at least get in on the same day. You may notice Dr's are a little low on my trust & faith scale.
hmmm, so I head down to the clinic today for 9am.
@ 10:15am I am finally asked to come into a room to wait for a Dr.
@ 10:53am I hear someone say "I guess Marianne left?" another nurse says "no, she's here" Original nurse says "but she's not in the waiting room" the other nurse states "no I already put her in room 4" ----- now to give them the benefit of the doubt there are other Marianne's in this world so I got up and looked at my door number "Room 4" okay forget the doubt, they are very unorganized.
@ 10:55am the Dr arrives
to start: the nurse had explained to him incorrectly what my symptoms were
After making this correction he tells me "you and everyone else. It is viral and you keep getting reinfected; nothing I can do for you" He did however take a swab of my throat (where it didn't hurt) Just in case it was bacterial.... Then he told me I should expect it to last 5 - 10 weeks.
I asked him if I was getting reinfected why wasn't everyone in my house getting infected? Karl had it 4 days after me and it lasted him not even 2 weeks. He had no answer.
so @ 10:57 I walked out the door.
I had waited 2 hours for a 2 minute appointment only to be told nothing could be done - just keep doing what I am doing.
What I am doing is using Strepsils or Cepacol lozenges that has an antibacterial in it and a numbing agent so I can swallow. BUT WAIT he said it was VIRAL... those won't work cause they are tackling the BACTERIA!!!!
I should have never gone to the Doctors... huge waste of my time.... when will I ever learn?
$28 for 2 minutes = $840/hour - not bad for wages eh? and he didn't have to do anything.
Phew!
Almost thought I had blew it! Last night I was really tired and my throat has been super sore; you know that razor like feeling, dry and super difficult to swallow?
I have been draggy and tired - not feeling like doing much - so when it came to dinner time what did I do? There was a $5 pizza in the freezer... you guessed it...I cooked it... and ate more than one piece :)
I was worried the salt content would really mess up the scale this morning but thankfully it didn't.
I guess its all the water I have been drowning myself in. Either that or my body needed that salt and used it wisely.
I am headed off to the drop in clinic to hopefully get something to tackle this darn throat! This is week 5 - I think its time to end it!
I have been draggy and tired - not feeling like doing much - so when it came to dinner time what did I do? There was a $5 pizza in the freezer... you guessed it...I cooked it... and ate more than one piece :)
I was worried the salt content would really mess up the scale this morning but thankfully it didn't.
I guess its all the water I have been drowning myself in. Either that or my body needed that salt and used it wisely.
I am headed off to the drop in clinic to hopefully get something to tackle this darn throat! This is week 5 - I think its time to end it!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Still on track but...
I am still on track with my food and like what I see on the scale (its going in the right direction :)
BUT I haven't been able to completely shake this cold that I have. I have been battling it for more than 4 weeks now At times it feels like it is on its way out but then I get one late night to bed and its back. The sore throat started up again last night and sure enough I have very little voice today...and so tired! Everything takes major push for me to do.
I was going to go to a funeral today but I just don't have the energy to do that AND go to work.
I am supposed to work today 4-midnight - my 2nd to last shift. I gave notice 2 weeks ago. I am pretty sure I can make it through the shift so I am going to do it.
I called work (confirmed that I wasn't calling in sick after they heard my voice!) and asked what was on the menu for dinner.
Menu is: Swedish meatballs, mashed potatoes, mixed peas and carrots.
I can see that I will be bringing my own food to eat tonight.
Last night I went to an Alpaca Club AGM and I spent over a half hour at home trying to figure out what I could eat on the menu... Whitespot has good food but VERY high in points!
I just about ordered off the children's menu! In the end I had the Asian Chicken salad (no onions, extra red peppers) for 7 points and I splurged on a cup of Red Clam chowder for 5 points... and drank a jug of water throughout the evening.
Everything else on the menu was 12 points or higher... the Chicken Broccoli and cheese with rice and garden salad is 30 points!
I do have to be careful not to cross that line of frustration. It is taking a lot of work to make sure I am eating small portion sizes, lower point foods and be satisfied/not hungry. I am really not hungry when I am done eating - I just like the taste of some foods and want more even though my body does not need it.
I keep telling myself to eat to live not live to eat.
It takes so much time to retrain the brain to the new program that it would be easy enough to call it quits -
BUT
There is always a BUT
I have many reasons why I won't
They say not to exercise when you are sick. Your body already has enough work to do trying to fight off the bug. So my bike sits unused in my living room. I may get on it for short intervals but I won't bust my butt on it quite yet.
BUT I haven't been able to completely shake this cold that I have. I have been battling it for more than 4 weeks now At times it feels like it is on its way out but then I get one late night to bed and its back. The sore throat started up again last night and sure enough I have very little voice today...and so tired! Everything takes major push for me to do.
I was going to go to a funeral today but I just don't have the energy to do that AND go to work.
I am supposed to work today 4-midnight - my 2nd to last shift. I gave notice 2 weeks ago. I am pretty sure I can make it through the shift so I am going to do it.
I called work (confirmed that I wasn't calling in sick after they heard my voice!) and asked what was on the menu for dinner.
Menu is: Swedish meatballs, mashed potatoes, mixed peas and carrots.
I can see that I will be bringing my own food to eat tonight.
Last night I went to an Alpaca Club AGM and I spent over a half hour at home trying to figure out what I could eat on the menu... Whitespot has good food but VERY high in points!
I just about ordered off the children's menu! In the end I had the Asian Chicken salad (no onions, extra red peppers) for 7 points and I splurged on a cup of Red Clam chowder for 5 points... and drank a jug of water throughout the evening.
Everything else on the menu was 12 points or higher... the Chicken Broccoli and cheese with rice and garden salad is 30 points!
I do have to be careful not to cross that line of frustration. It is taking a lot of work to make sure I am eating small portion sizes, lower point foods and be satisfied/not hungry. I am really not hungry when I am done eating - I just like the taste of some foods and want more even though my body does not need it.
I keep telling myself to eat to live not live to eat.
It takes so much time to retrain the brain to the new program that it would be easy enough to call it quits -
BUT
There is always a BUT
I have many reasons why I won't
- I need to get healthy
- I need help to stay in control
- I have a wedding to attend in April and i don't want to look like a New Years blimp in a formal dress
- I have been challenged... and it could cost me $$$! so I have to win this. My challenger is very competitive and if I read her messages right, her head is truly in it.. with heavy support from an outsider (her daughter) so I HAVE to keep on trucking. LOL
They say not to exercise when you are sick. Your body already has enough work to do trying to fight off the bug. So my bike sits unused in my living room. I may get on it for short intervals but I won't bust my butt on it quite yet.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Hmm what to say...
Three times I have written on here and 3 times I have deleted it. I had several trains of thought but got interupted and lost them.
So now, I am not neccessarily wordless but subjectless.
I will however, make a confession. I have been doing well with tracking etc. but the last 2 days my water consumption has decreased... gotta get that back up again.
Tonight hubby was sweet enough to take me to subway for dinner where I know I can stay OP but then he ordered 2 m&m cookies and didn't eat them. I didn't need them, I wasn't hungry but they are SO good! So I did - I ate it. Only one... but I know where he is keeping the other one *smirk* I hope someone else gets to it before me.
About an hour after we got home I started craving cheez wiz! Can you believe it? I love it on Dempsters (white) toasted bread.mmmmm and for some reason I just HAD to have one.
Stupidly I made myself 2 when one would have sufficed. But since I have had it I no longer want it - it hit the spot.
Now to head to my tracker, write it down, smile, and go to bed without beating myself up over it. It was a choice. Maybe not the best one but I will count it. This is about change and not depriving one self. If I would have said no to myself I may have done something worse - like go for the chocolate chipit container and grab handfuls without measuring.
Okay, gotta go count this up.
So now, I am not neccessarily wordless but subjectless.
I will however, make a confession. I have been doing well with tracking etc. but the last 2 days my water consumption has decreased... gotta get that back up again.
Tonight hubby was sweet enough to take me to subway for dinner where I know I can stay OP but then he ordered 2 m&m cookies and didn't eat them. I didn't need them, I wasn't hungry but they are SO good! So I did - I ate it. Only one... but I know where he is keeping the other one *smirk* I hope someone else gets to it before me.
About an hour after we got home I started craving cheez wiz! Can you believe it? I love it on Dempsters (white) toasted bread.mmmmm and for some reason I just HAD to have one.
Stupidly I made myself 2 when one would have sufficed. But since I have had it I no longer want it - it hit the spot.
Now to head to my tracker, write it down, smile, and go to bed without beating myself up over it. It was a choice. Maybe not the best one but I will count it. This is about change and not depriving one self. If I would have said no to myself I may have done something worse - like go for the chocolate chipit container and grab handfuls without measuring.
Okay, gotta go count this up.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
My New Chair
Yesterday I was in town and decided it was TIME. Time to get active. I bought a new bike 2 years ago and I have only ridden it about 4 times. I paid a lot of money for it, don't want it stolen AND I didn't want to get it dirty! Okay, really dumb excuse but *blush* its true!
I have been chatting with my son who is into working out - we don't always get to the gym as it takes a lot of time out of our day/evening. So what better way than to bring the gym to us.
This is what I have done so far...
I have removed a chair out of the living room and bought a stationary stand for my bike that has tension. I can ride to my hearts content while watching TV or a movie, not sure if I could attempt playstation 3! Or maybe try upper body workouts with the Wii!.
My physio therapist told me I needed to strengthen my knee and cycling was the way to do it.
I have been chatting with my son who is into working out - we don't always get to the gym as it takes a lot of time out of our day/evening. So what better way than to bring the gym to us.
This is what I have done so far...
I have removed a chair out of the living room and bought a stationary stand for my bike that has tension. I can ride to my hearts content while watching TV or a movie, not sure if I could attempt playstation 3! Or maybe try upper body workouts with the Wii!.
My physio therapist told me I needed to strengthen my knee and cycling was the way to do it.
I tried it out last night and Karl walked into the room and turned into Jillian (trainer from biggest loser) I told him to watch out or I will make him go on the bike! LOL
Jeff just made himself a pull up bar that he plans to set up in the basement - we also have a punching bag that needs to be set up. I am looking for other tidbits to add to our home gym to work different muscles.
Now to just use it.
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